Manolo for the Brides

If there’s one thing you can count on in a bridal salon, it’s that the gowns will be expensive. The styles may also be limited. Your gown will definitely take a very long time to get to you and require alterations after it arrives. When you’re on a tight budget, putting your wedding together quickly, or planning a fairly low-key celebration, the standard bridal salon experience may well not be for you.

I thought about that the other night when a friend sent me a link to an online store she’s fond of to tell me about a big sale they were having. As I browsed the pages, I kept coming across pretty clothes I thought would make good wedding regalia.

This dress, for instance, struck me as something appropriate for a wedding gown.

It’s machine washable poly/spandex velvet and comes in sizes from eight to eighteen. Oh, and if you think it would make a great bridesmaid’s dress, too, it also comes in purple and burgundy. All that for just $89.95.

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…two gowns, two bouquets, two pretty hairstyles, and two pairs of awesome shoes. It makes me feel just a tad envious of all of the girly lesbian brides out there who are marrying other girly lesbian brides and can ooh and ahh over nuptial frippery with a spouse-to-be who actually gives a damn.

Just look at this stunningly gorgeous photo taken by my friend Oolong (who coincidentally made our kitty cake toppers) at a wedding at Saint Anthony’s Chapel in Holyrood Park. The two brides, Lizzie and Ari, look absolutely smashing, and I can just imagine them having a grand old time picking out dresses and invitations and ribbons for their stem wraps.

Of course, that’s just my brain telling me that the grass simply must be greener on the other side of the nuptial fence, by which I mean the side where there are no FOBs telling future husbands that they should just shut up and get out of the way. I’m sure that the everyday reality is likely far more mundane, with one half of the couple caring more about color schemes than the other on any given day. Then again a study of married gay folks from Vermont revealed that they were generally more satisfied in their relationships than straight folks. Go figure!

A blog called It’s a Wonderful World turned me onto bouquets weirder and wackier than any I came across when writing iDo. In the floral chapter of my book, I bring up cascade bouquets, arm sheaves, pomanders, hand tieds, crescents, composites, wristlets, trails, teardrops, tussie-mussies, ballerina bouquets, and floral scepters! I obviously know a little something about bouquets.

Thus I must surmise that I can’t possibly be the only one who was a little taken aback by the ring bouquet:

Does this concoction of water iris leaves and small spray roses make anyone else think of goatse.cx (extreeeeeeemely NSFW)? Because I know that I and my sillier guests would be taking some pseudonaughty snapshots if the bride ever left her bouquet unattended.

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Every now and again one of you sends me an e-mail that is so perfectly succinct that it needs no explanation or exposition. My good friend Jenny — whose own words, I must point out, are featured prominently throughout iDo — wrote this:

I’m watching one of those nanny shows, which is bad enough. But even worse, they just showed an advert for “Rock the Reception“. It’s a reality show…about people who are doing an unconventional first dance.

Let me say that again. A REALITY SHOW. About people who are doing an unconventional first dance. It’s an hour-long show…about a three-minute event.

Americans are complete whores for this crap.

I would have loved to have attended the concept meeting for this show. I’m picturing a member of TLC’s creative team, the wedding division. He’s late and he’s unprepared, and he’s hiding behind his laptop trying to look serious but secretly watching YouTube clips his deadbeat housemate e-mailed to him at 3 a.m. When the big boss looks in his direction, our ideas man draws on the first thing his eyes light upon, which is the video of a bride and groom dancing to U Can’t Touch This.

He’s saved! Saved by the Interwebs!

I like creative place cards because the plain foldover variety tends to be so dull, which means anything flashier adds an unexpected bit of zing to the reception tablescapes.

Take, for example, these “Parisian Chic” tags from Fabulous Finds Boutique. I will admit that I’ve kept place cards from weddings of people I truly care about because I’m a sucker for any and all mementos. However, all of them ended up in the recycling bin sooner or later because there’s a limit to how long I’ll keep a simple piece of cardstock with my name printed on it.

Yes, the tags pictured above are also cardstock, gussied up with a grommet and a bit of ribbon, but how lovely would one look stuck to a tackboard or propped up on one’s desk at work? If nothing else, I’d wager than guests will hold onto these far longer than they’ll deign to keep the ceramic baskets of Jelly Belly beans you’re giving out at the reception.

I was going to dig into my archives today today to finally feature some of those previously answered reader questions that are waiting for their 15 minutes, but I received a query yesterday afternoon that was too intriguing to put off. The question was simply this:

Have you heard of cellophane parties? Apparently, this is a “new tradition” in bridal showers where guests are asked to wrap their shower gifts in cellophane. Gifts are then displayed on a table for other guests to see, but the bride never unwraps them all, presumably “saving” everyone from a tedious, lengthy gift-unwrapping session. Are these as tacky as they sound?

Color me out of the loop, for I have never, ever heard of a cellophane party. The term itself conjures up images of wild fêtes of yesteryear best forgotten, but brings to mind nothing even remotely resembling an event that typically includes grandmas and great aunts. For the person who posed the query, I did a Google image query with SafeSearch off and still found naught but cellophane and boobies of the usual mammarical variety.

As for cellophane showers, I could not, in all my searches, find a single mention of this supposed new tradition. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of watching people open gifts because it seems so third grade, but that’s pretty much what a shower is all about. Like you said, without the unwrapping, the oohs and ahhs, and the making of the silly hat, it starts to seem like a gift grab. “Here’s a bacon-wrapped scallop and a glass of champagne, now hand over the loot!”

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As a guest, I tend to tune out wedding speeches unless I’m familiar with both the object of the speech (i.e., the bride or groom) and the speech giver. Listening to 45 minutes of daddy waxing on misty-eyed about his little girl’s swimming trophies for 45 minutes a la Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason tends to put me into a fugue state wherein I eat far too much cake and the champagne in my glass keeps disappearing mysteriously.

The bride and groom, however, are typically quite interested in what everyone has to say because they are the ones being talked about! I know that I was particularly looking forward to the best man’s speech at my own wedding because he’s such a tremendously sweet fellow and I was hoping he’d say something nice about me or us. Let it be known that he did not disappoint, and the air was full of Awwws and little sniffs the whole time he had the mic.

Of course, he wasn’t the only one to take a stab at wowing the crowd, but he was indeed a tough act to follow. The Beard’s mother told a story about car thievery, and an uncle of mine saw fit to remind everyone that he’d changed my diapers when I was but a wee lass. I even vaguely remember one of my brothers getting on the mic to tell assembled loved ones that he’d met The Beard in Nam and that we’re both “slick ballers.”

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Wedding vows. These are the words that bind a couple in marriage. Some couples take comfort and inspiration in repeating the same words their faith has been using for generations upon generations. Others prefer to strike out on their own to create something uniquely personal. Each approach has its benefits and drawbacks. The decision is one I wouldn’t dream of attempting to make for you, but I will give one piece of advice: consider carefully before doing an original set of marriage vow verses in the style of Dr. Seuss.

The gentleman who wrote these vows was saddened by the fact his bride refused to use them. While I think the parody is clever and oddly charming, I must admit I can understand the lady’s choice…but if Mr. Twistie ever expressed a willingness to have a vow reaffirmation ceremony, I might just keep this on file for such an occasion. Your mileage may vary, but I found this bit both funny and quite sweet:

Pastor: Will you love her when you’re fit,
And also when you’re feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I’ll love her when we’re fit,
And when we’re hurt, and when we’re sick,
And I will love her when we’re rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Certainly nobody could question the commitment of a groom who expressed himself so forcefully and completely on the subject, could they? I do wish the bride’s version of the vows had also been included.

Whatever words you choose to express your vision of love, comittment, and family, choose them with care. These are words that should stand the test of time…ten years from now a thousandfold.

When our own delightful and wise NtB posted on the question of children at weddings the other day, it got a lot of response. Some people were pro-kids-at-weddings-no-matter-what. Some came across as definitely not caring for kiddies at the shindig. Most seemed firmly agreed (as are NtB and I) that it’s entirely up to the happy couple to make that decision based on their preferences and circumstances.

But as NtB pointed out in her article, part of the decision should be based on how kid-friendly a wedding you plan on having. There may, indeed, be those paragons of childish virtue who can sit still through a twelve-course formal dinner happily chowing down on fois gras and fanciful eggplant dishes while wearing perfectly unwrinkled tafetta gowns directly after a full nuptual mass and three hours of formal photographs…but let’s not kid ourselves that this is standard. I was a remarkably patient little one with an adventurous palate and a real fascination with weddings blessed with parents who would punish the hell out of me without hesitation if I misbehaved badly in public, and I couldn’t have done anything like that. Heck, it would still take some serious mental preparation for that and I haven’t been a child in a painfully long time.

If you do plan on inviting the little ones, you need to keep their needs in mind. Here are a couple thoughts on how to do that:

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